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Nights of Whiskey and Roses
 
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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Mark Anthony's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
1:20 am
excerpt 8/12/09
EXCERPT FROM MY PERSONAL JOURNAL: LETTERS TO EVELYN

Photobucket
evelyn; chicago

8/12/09 – 109am ~
It must be fascinating living life for the first time.

I can only imagine and wonder how I was when I was your age. Watching you experience so many things for the very first time. From jumping on the bed (one of your favorite pastimes), to watching the sun set – or in your case, the moon. For example – we tend to believe that life just goes on and on. It certainly feels that way when you are living it. Sometimes it drags, sometimes it goes too, too fast…and sometimes it just seems to BE. But all in all, we tend to believe that the things we love and experience will and should always be there for us. You are so fascinated by the moon, that now, when I see a full moon, I always rush to show you the fullness and beauty of it. It mostly makes you laugh and squeal – but in many ways, I wonder just WHAT it is that is so exciting about it for you…?? And yet, as YOU grow older, those full moons will continue. So much so, that you may think you see them all the time. But most people: how often will they sit and REALLY enjoy that full moon. 10 times? 20? It all seems so limitless. Family. Love. And yet at some point, it all comes to an end. Usually long before we wish it would.

I guess I’m just saying that I hope you always have the same enthusiasm you show today. That crazy squeal when on the rides at Kiddie Land, or watching home videos, the moon, stars, and CRANES – which you STILL love – ha ha. The way you bounce and scream when you see me, or jump on the bed, or when we walk to the park – it’s amazing. And yet even though it seems limitless, please continue to enjoy those moments as long as you live. Really take time to think about how much you enjoy it too. And be sure you spend time with people who love these things just as much as you. It’s important. Trust me…you will realize this again and again in your life.
Friday, June 26th, 2009
2:29 pm
Photobucket
evelyn & me; millennium park, chicago

my wish,
of course,
is that she would never have to grow up...!

she's far too cool
and good for this
world.
Thursday, June 25th, 2009
9:39 pm
silver linings and rainbows
Photobucket
somewhere close to earth

SILVER LININGS AND RAINBOWS

you know you've lived well
if things were really as great as you remember them.

for some people,
there have always been silver linings in their misery, and just winning
once in their lifetime
can bring them to their knees in tears. i know. i've seen it.

some have managed to somehow get it right
all along. and watching these rare specimens
is like listening to a master symphony. all the right crescendos
and all the right drops. fascinating.

for me: there have been a lot of silver linings
and even more misery. but hell...those silver linings
were also sprinkled with a lot of perfume
and beautiful, long legs. something that always kept people
wondering.

so life presses on. i see more and more
of the same.

but i'm always looking to the sky. often,
my eyes fixed on the horizon. wondering.

wondering
how things got to be the way they are. for me. for others. and
the others who keep on coming.

listen to 99 out of 100 songs. they're always about
love
or the lack of it. and that 100th song...i can never
understand the lyrics,
but hell - i'm sure it's probably about crazy love too.

someone pour me a drink. the sun is setting
once again. and look at that odd rainbow
making its way around the bend.

you know you've lived well
if things were really as great as you remember them.

and even if they weren't,
best to keep those memories close to heart. they'll be the things
that pull you through when the silver linings eventually run dry...
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
8:20 pm
bad day
Photobucket
chicago

BAD DAY

...so.

i have had nothing but angry dreams
the past few nights. so much so
that it's actually made me quite angry
even today.

all day. i was sour. foul. short fused,
and tired.

i got at least 3 angry phone calls
by 11am. then
i realized
at least 4 different things which are going to severely
affect my life in the short term. on the way home
this afternoon, a very large old woman
with a sleevless shirt
leaned in to me the whole way. she was grunting
and smelly,

and by the time i stepped off the el,
my whole left side smelled like her. flabby
and sick.

i see strange faces
every where i turn. in my waking life
and in sleep.

in my dreams
i'm often scared,
lost,
or both.

and in my waking life
i'm just mostly lost.

there are at least 165 days till new year's eve. so resolutions
at this point may be fruitless.

tonight,
i stare out the window...and type a few words
now and then.

the ice cream man just rolled by
and i hope he's having a better day than me.

tap tap tap

i type these few words
and then i'm back to the window.

one of the neighbors
is walking their dog.

tap tap tap

then i go to the fridge for a sip of milk.

i used to live downtown
but now i live uptown.

and you may be tempted to reach me here
but please don't. i'll be back downtown
again soon. i'll be sure to buy you a drink
when i return.

until then,
just keep wishing me well. send your prayers too.

we can all use them now and then,

even if we don't have reasons
to believe.
Friday, June 12th, 2009
1:43 pm
Photobucket
chicago

12/21/12

when they come for us,
it won't matter who is who,
what is what,
or where you are.

it'll be quick.

quick
and easy.

it won't matter who you voted for,
what you eat,
or anything you've ever argued about
on a thursday night.

when they come for us
it'll be faster
than a jack rabbit under a bush...and more violent
than your sickest dream.

when they come for us,
best to be ready. and if you don't believe
in GOD,
you best be right.

you don't get second chances
when that cloud rolls in.

you'll get exactly
what you had coming to you all along.

and my guess is if you believe in GOD,
you'll be glad
you ever did.

because some place in the cosmos
we'll find ourselves just sailing
and sailing away
as the next great thing
comes gently floating in...GOD too. he'll just breathe
and say
"seeeee?? told you so."

and won't that be grand...
Monday, June 1st, 2009
8:44 pm
alone some of the time
Photobucket
out of town

ALONE SOME OF THE TIME

when you live alone
you can do really wonderful things.

like listen to your favorite song over and over
all day long. just program it in
and *ZAM*
you are in your own musical heaven
created solely
and purposefully
for you.

when you are alone,
you can do strangely
interesting things...

like carry an entire conversation out loud with yourself
as you walk around picking up dirty clothes
and wiping down the counter tops. you may even come up
with solutions that you could not otherwise solve while sitting
in traffic,
or worrying about some lover coming
or going. the endless arguments
that pervade your lover-filled afternoons.

when i met lisa,
her shimmering blonde hair
was only outshined by the 40k wedding ring
on her finger.

it sparkled in the morning sunlight
as i took her from behind,
her hands grasping the pillow...the cats just watching on. she had an ass
like a maserati...maybe better.

i used to think it was funny. nailing a young
and beautifully confused blonde bombshell from the suburbs.

but as i look back on it,
i hesitate to think about it all...

"i love your little place here in the city. high
above it all",
she'd say
before taking herself away...back to the parking garage
and off down the expressway to the man paying the bills.

he even came looking for me once. i was able to calm him down
enough to realize that i was not his problem.

"look in the mirror
before you come looking for me",
i said,
"then ask your wonderful wife what the hell the problems are."

"i swear if you ever go near my wife again
i'll kill you, myself."
he said.

that was the last i'd heard from either of them.

i believed him.

and although
she could bring any man to his knees,
better him
than me.

so there i was again. alone at home. and the same old
prospects that milled around before she'd arrived.

when you live alone,
it's easy to be nothing but. because when the new ones
or the old ones leave through the door,
you're all you've got.

crazy shit happens
when you both least
and most expect it.

i loved my little place in the city. high above it all.

but as i look back,
i hesitate to think about it at all.

being alone has its glory
and agony just the same.

sipping coffee alone
is something i'll never miss. the endless club-hopping too. the
beat-beat-bump
of the hazy, black nights.

i do miss those long afternoons of musical bliss though. and
taking a long look in the mirror,
showered and ready,
before heading back out in to the night.

try it some time. for 10 yrs or so...

and let me know
how it works out for you.
Saturday, May 30th, 2009
11:05 am
easy does it
Photobucket
earth

EASY DOES IT

it never ends. so why bother fighting it. best
to roll with the punches.

or better yet,
just look the other way.

something good is bound to happen
just like something bad is sure to follow.

who cares. unless of course you are running late
and something is standing in your way. but even then,

fuck it.

will it matter tomorrow
if you are late for a meeting,
a party,
or for work?

the world will just keeps pressing on. which makes me think
that everything that is going on,
late or early,
is happening just when it should.

make ups.
break ups.

water to wine.

the other day i missed my train. but the next one
got me where i was going just the same...

it's all the same. it's all the same.

my sister phoned to tell me that
her vet says her cat has developed allergies...

even the weird stuff is weird
because it's supposed to be.

when we discover
that nothing matters
unless we MAKE it matter,
we'll be happier to let things go
when they are just about to
ruin
our
day.

take it easy. because when you don't take it easy,
is it really better for you anyways???

exactly...
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
11:08 pm
where the pimps roll
Photobucket
320am, uptown lounge; chicago

WHERE THE PIMPS ROLL

i don't know where all the pimps
have gone,
but i know where ONE of them is. i mean,
there's something to be said about a city
which allows pimps to roam freely
among the civilian population.

i used to see
mr. white folks at jilly's back in the day. every now
and then he'd even venture in to retro...

"who those girls you be sippin' wit?"
he once asked me,
"damn. every one of them would look good in my stable."

i just laughed...told him i wasn't a pimp.

"damn boy. you sure roll like one. watch
your back"
he said,
"i be breathing down yo-neck."

i just laughed again
and offered him a drink.

of course,
he turned me down
because...well - pimps only accept free drinks from the bartenders. and
even then,
they'll lay down a $20 tip
for the kindness in return.

now i've stumbled upon this little chicago gem. the uptown pimp.

white suit.
red suit.
gold suit. pimpin' hats.

pimpin' the silver and gold chains,
and the pimpin' high heels.

yeah - i don't know where all the pimps
have gone. but when you see ONE rolling
with the civilians at 320am,
your damn well glad
to know they're still around.

pimpin' and playin'
and lookin
for da hozzz...

just once
i wanna be a pimp. just chill out all night
while the bitches bring me ma-money...

ha ha ha ha ha
Thursday, May 14th, 2009
11:00 pm
photo contest - RESULTS!!!
OK - it was verrrry difficult. but i've decided on these two images:

Photobucket


~ AND ~

Photobucket

i continue to edit - and if there is a way to figure/insert the other 3 images
i really liked, i'll do it. but right now, these two images
fit best with the writing.

THANK YOU again for the 15 or so ppl who submitted stuff over to me. i hope
to do this again,
only more extensive next time!

everyone have a lovely friday
and a superb weekend.

thank you all again ~

mark40e
Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
6:07 pm
bitches and dickheads
Photobucket
don't ask; earth

BITCHES AND DICKHEADS

...and to tell you the truth,
i don't mind it if a girl is a bitch
as long as she is half as intelligent
as she is hot. and i'm not talking about some girl
who's memorized a bunch of one liner talking points. i'm talking
about a girl who has common sense,

and at least a mild grasp of political, world,
and sports history to frame her references.

i remember in the original rocky movie,
adrienne said that her mother had told her,
"you better develop your mind
because you don't have much of a body."

and to this,
rocky replied
that his father had told him,
"you don't have much of a brain
so you better learn how to use your body."

he went on to conclude that he was dumb
and that adrienne was shy,
so somehow they'd make the perfect couple.

men and women
need to recognize each other's strengths
while not penalizing each other's weaknesses.

the same goes for everybody else. neighbors. dog walkers. co-workers
and friends.

but to tell you another truth,
this is a difficult task.

we're all so wrapped up in our own
wants and NEEDS,
that we forget that other people have them too.

i try harder than hell to walk that line.

but godammit
if i don't fuck up once in a while.

i suppose that this is what keeps the flower shops in business
and the liquor stores stocked.

but for God's sake: girls...please stop the bitching. and guys...please
stop being such dicks.

there's nothing worse than a dickhead who is more selfish than cool.

in my opinion,
that's even worse
than an ugly bitch.

and there's almost NOTHING worse
than an ugly bitch
who hasn't got a clue.

and before you condemn me for saying so,
stop. breathe. and realize
you know JUST what i mean.
Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
10:18 pm
IMAGE/PHOTO CONTEST RESULTS!
OK!

sorry it took me a while to get to this...and thank you - THANK YOU to the people
who submitted images/photos for my humble contest. again, i will choose two images
for the book i will have released some time this summer:

Nights of Whiskey & Roses
Volume II: Chicago by Night

Here are my favs...I had about 15 submissions - still need to choose TWO:

1)
Photobucket

2)
Photobucket

3)
Photobucket

4)
Photobucket

5)
Photobucket

i'm leaning toward #'s 4 & 5...but am still editing and seeing what will work with the flow.

THANK YOU AGAIN! i'll be able to choose two within a week or so, once
i finish the last edits...just tightening up the writing
and layout for "chapters".

thank you-thank you.

mark40e
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
9:46 pm
an entry from my coming summer release of Nights of Whiskey and Roses: Chicago by Night ~
WE WERE

we were naked
and
we were drunk.

stumbling through life.

we kissed
and made passionate love
through the days and nights.

they said,
"look at them. those lost souls..."

and we laughed
and laughed
and could only make more love
through the days and nights
of our lives (as we knew it).

a collection of vagabond types with
questionable futures.

we swore blood brothers,
kissing the girls all the way,

professing undying love for life,
through the stormy weather
and hungover sunday mornings...

we were young.

and
we were
out of control.
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
8:23 pm
sunshine of youth
Photobucket
chicago

SUNSHINE OF YOUTH

when
we first had our tastes of alcohol,
we were 14 going on 15. not very dramatic,

unless you count the time
jeff beutel
stole his dad's miller light
and was grounded long enough
for us to eventually forget about him.

adults seemed like aliens to us. people
to fear
when we weren't laughing at them...because being young
solved every problem those adults
were warning us about.

and sunshine
was just as valuable to us as night.

this girl named ellen
ruled our world. she was 15 going on 25,
with breasts to prove it. she ran circles around
us
as we did everything we could to slide her in to one
of our hormone crazed beds.

here was a girl: old enough
to dance the night away,

and young enough to say fuck it...even
when it mattered.

but especially when it didn't.

years have pressed on since then. just as
they should. and with time
has come knowledge...with all the sweet sorrow
to go with it - ha ha.

ellen is just a memory these days. although
she eventually broke one of my friends hearts
back in the day.

i ran in to him a few weeks back. he was drinking 3 times
as much as then,

and just as nuts.

i asked him if he ever thought of ellen...

"a lot,"
he said.

and we sipped our drinks well
in to the night
as we remembered
those nights
when adulthood was
only for adults.

and being young
seemed like the only thing you'd ever want
to be.
Monday, April 6th, 2009
5:01 pm
Photobucket
me, after about 4 hours of night, photo courtesy of jennifer; chicago

i'm only complicated
on the inside...
Friday, April 3rd, 2009
10:55 pm
darkest
Photobucket
LSD; chicago

DARKEST

they say
it's darkest before the dawn...but i don't believe it.

with my eyes
wide open
i can hardly see the past
or the future.

i can barely see
60 seconds in front of me
as i spin my wheels
in the mud
and the dust
and the quicksand
in my mind.

i hear they can't find bin laden.

they still
haven't explained why
protesters for peace
can never find it.

they can't even tell us
how the pyramids were built,
why the dinosaurs pushed on,
or where old age comes from.

global warming?

the earth is but a speck
in the ever swirling expanse of the cosmos. this little
rock in the vastness of space has cooled,
heated up
and cooled a million times over
before we ever got here.

when it fizzles out
it will be the reality of cosmic nature,
not man,
that makes it happen.

LOVE.

they just keep telling us that LOVE
is the answer,

but it's really just
the cause for all of our troubles.

the lack of,
search for,
or mystery of it
keeps us guessing at best.

perhaps death will offer answers - but then again,

it's probably just another cruel quip
in this never ending hurdle
over everything beautiful
which is always out of reach...
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
11:53 am
CONTEST FOR LJ'rs; ARTISTS, CREATIVE TYPES WHO WANT EXPOSURE
OK...i've been contemplating this,
and have decided to move forward.

as many of you know,
i have a self publish book which should be released for sale
this summer, 2009. i have all the images and writing which
are now being edited (and re-edited, and re-edited, and re-edited...),

but i have an IDEA ~

for all artists, photographers, & creative types: DEADLINE - SUNDAY APRIL 19TH

submit to me your art for exposure in my very 1st publication!

i have to have 2 images which can be a painting, photograph, self portrait, etching - etc...a visual image. i will use each image as the "transition" in the next part of the book - which
is broken up in to 3 parts. your image will be positioned in the interior pages, probably
around pages 80 and 200.

CHOOSE AN IMAGE THAT YOU, YOURSELF LOVE, WITHOUT A LOT OF THOUGHT TO WHAT I MAY LIKE OR NOT LIKE - but also keep in mind that it has to sort of "flow" with my style of imagery and writing...

make sense? email me with questions: mark40e@yahoo.com

images must be maximum density. so if it's a painting,
for example, shoot a digital image of it on maximum density setting.

what you get:
1) exposure - you will get full credit and also contact info in your name at the image point and also in the index as well as closing credits.
2) free copy of the book - since you'll be in it, it's only fair!
3) signed 14 x 16 (or so) print of any image in the book you prefer.

i can't offer cash prizes, but you will get the benefit of exposure and perhaps a little fame (our efforts will be combined in that effort).

deadline: SUNDAY APRIL 19, 2009 - one entry per person, please ~

the image can be any creative image you want. please provide:
1) image in maximum density setting.
2) name of image.
3) name you want to be "named" as (pen name, artist name, etc); as well as any contact info you prefer to have listed.
4) any quip, quote, or words tied to the image - i'll include it within the page you end up on.

this is something i sort of dreamed up as a "thank you" to all LJ'rs who've prompted me and read my stuff over the past years - and i think it's a pretty cool idea ~ images should be something along the lines of what my writing and images entail. it should "enhance or accent" the stuff i do in some manner, if that makes sense. something inspirational and interesting that matches up well as a transitional image.

DEADLINE: SUNDAY APRIL 19TH - i know it's not a lot of time, but when deadlines go too far out, ppl tend to forget about them. one entry per person, please. you can email me or post/mail to me if need be.

I HOPE THERE IS A LOT OF PARTICIPATION! 2 images will be selected.

MARK ! (aka: mark40e)
mark40e@yahoo.com
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
6:04 pm
that fucking man place
Photobucket
me; photo courtesy of artur

THAT FUCKING MAN PLACE

in the never ending battle
between men and women,
there is
one thing never considered in the psyche
of the man: someone
or something is ALWAYS gunning
for him.

from the playground
to the boardroom,
and all the places in between,
we have always been harrassed - or forced
to harrass
in order to keep our hierarchy
in place.

by the time i was in 8th grade,
i had to fight my way past
dennis hanley (easy),
dickie giles (a bit harder),
and marc shauer (the toughest challenge of all).

by the time i reached high school,
my place had been established,

and no one really fucked with me
aside from the upperclassmen
i dodged until they each graduated
one by one.

but part of being in my man place
also required that i fuck with other people. a downside
of each right of passage.

in,
and through college,
and forward in to manhood...

in a man's life,
about every 3 months or so,
a new person
or challenge emerges. a threat
to fear,
or to goad in to fear.

not fucking with someone could
lower your status. and letting someone fuck with you
could do even worse.

as i get older
these situations
are replaced by new challenges. new people
or situations to fuck with,

or be fucked.

and as a man,
you have to use your lessons learned
to pick and choose the battles that can make or break you. you have to
choose the right car,
the right women,
the right career...

it's nerve
shattering at times...and other times,
it simply eats at your stomach
as you manuever to the position of smartest
strength.

what most women can never comprehend
is that this ongoing buzz of fear
consumes the male species...all while trying to keep
your job working,
your income coming in,

and
the sexy girls
properly sexed.

now...none of this has ever caused me to
beg for mercy. on the contrary,
i've embraced this ongoing battle for my place
in the universe.

sometimes
you just have to think something over until
it all makes sense.

and this makes sense to me.

men.
women.

the ongoing battles,
and the ongoing fucks.

so
girls: next time your man
comes home a bit distraught,
tell him to suck it up
and remember what he's learned.

once he's put down
the first drink of the night,
remind him what a man he is.

then let him take
all he's ever learned,

and remind you too.

because by morning
he'll be back out there in the world.

fighting
for every inch.
Monday, March 30th, 2009
5:40 pm
Photobucket
evelyn; chicago
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
3:14 pm
getting closer
Photobucket
moda; chicago

GETTING CLOSER

by the time you finish reading this sentence
a million people will have died.

by the time you think that over,
a million people
will have orgasmed,

alone
or with their lover.

things
often end
before they have the chance to begin.

a spark,

or a dulling
of the blade.

mona lisa
never smiled...she only knew.

and then
she didn't.

you receive
a note from old friend
you never fucked. a kiss from a new stranger
you wish you could.

best to do it when you can. because
when any of you look
back,
you will have always had
THAT.

most of us
are in
and out before God has the chance to tell us,
NO.

yet
many hesitate, as that devil
tempts us
so.

look closely. the grass looks greener
after the rains.

and there's something so real
about that girl upon the stage. that man
upon the floor. those children,
running in place.

things are moving
at an ever increasing pace.

faster.
faster.
faster.

a million teenagers
singing along
to lyrics
they'll understand
only much later
in life.

game shows.
talk shows.

reruns
spinning in my brain.

"fuck you"
someone said to me the other day.

and it sounded like music
to my ears
as i lazily walked away.

see that old couple
celebrating their 50th. the family
in graceful applause.

who really knows
what happened in all those years. even the couple
seems a bit confused.

but it's happening just the same.

by the time you finish reading this sentence
another million people will have died.

by the time you think that over,
another million people
will have orgasmed,

alone
or with their lover.

another million
crying out,

or celebrating it all.

a note from old friend.
kisses from an enemy.

a new tune running to the top of the charts.

TAKE IT AWAY BOB. none of us are headed for hollywood.

sit and spin. lock it in. double
jeapordy is the answer for the day.

people never
really know. and neither
do you.

people are fucking
and dying
every second.

just please...don't fuck
with my view.

and while we're on this subject,

fuck you
too.

and yes.

THAT,

is my final answer.

until
we meet again...
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
12:11 pm
Photobucket
self portrait; chicago

...and
there are two types of people
in this world.

i am,
niether.
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